I've been a pathological liar ever since I could talk. I don't know why. I lied to everyone about everything, my parents included. I ignored my academics for the want of books and television, and with two working parents, that wasn't hard.
As is probably obvious, it caught up to me. Lies started unraveling like balls of yarn. My slacking off started showing on my report cards. I lost the trust of everyone, including my parents.
Instead of realising this, I lashed out. Against my parents. Against school. Against my friends. People hated being around me. I hated being around people. I made the wrong kind of friends and became exceedingly notorious in my behaviour.
All this was made all the worse to deal with after I started realising the truth about my sexuality. I'd known since the age of eight that I liked girls, known since the age of ten that I liked boys. Realising that you're bisexual when you're surrounded by hormonal, homophobic males all day is hard. (Pun unintended).
So, from the age of eleven to fourteen, I was an emotional wreck. Cried into my pillow a lot.
This year, academic year that is, I decided to come clean. No lies. Complete dedication to my academics. It was liberating. I "came out of the closet". Told people I was bisexual. Most people treated me slightly differently, but not too differently. There were those arseholes who refused to touch me, but I don't need them. My friends hate it when I show that side of myself, but, I have no one else, so might as well go with it. I have a friend. Okay, someone who means much more than a friend to me. This one person helps me through everything. She's my support system. And then then there's my girlfriend. Now, people have often asked me," Dude, if you're bisexual, how come you have a girlfriend? " Let me tell you something, okay? BIsexual. It means I like girls AND boys, okay? Anyway, life is good .Screw good, it's awesome. Just because I stopped lying. To everyone. To myself
If you're reading this, and you relate to this even slightly, remember: Just come clean. It helps. And find someone who'll listen, who will help you through it. You need that someone.
Sunday, 26 April 2015
My life so far
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I'm very impressed that you have such clarity of though at this age, and that you've chosen to come clean. The fact that you can talk about it indicates that you are, at some level, at peace with yourself, which is excellent, and also that you have a support structure around you that allows you to be thus.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I assume that have been, and there will continue to be difficult patches that you go through. I don't know if you're getting experienced/professional help of any sort, but if ever you feel overwhelmed, or you feel that people around you don't really understand what you're going through, or you don't know what to do in a certain situation, you should know that trustworthy help is easily available. Check out the "Where to get help" section here: http://smritiweb.com/navin/psychology/if-youre-gay-in-india-should-you-come-out-when-to-whom - these are people I know; and they will treat the issues with the respect/sensitivity it deserves.